Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
