I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
What a dumb baby whore.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
