I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Found the puke drawer
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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