Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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