They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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