he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So much rum. So many feels.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
