i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
