Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
