I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
