Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
