Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
