im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
