If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
