a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
