am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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