Where are you?
In a non slutty way
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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