Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
