ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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