I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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