I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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