Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
