gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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