look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
