I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
