It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
