if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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