When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
