Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
