She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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