WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
