Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
