The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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