oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
