And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
