I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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