you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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