He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
