Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
