What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
