She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
