Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
either way he was missing a nipple.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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