Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
