i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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