Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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