I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize