I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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