they need to just BURY HIM!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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