yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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