Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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