you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
