you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
