dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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