As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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